An excellent blogger mommy that I follow on twitter and her blogs wrote a letter to her son when he turned 9 months old. A letter to tell him all the things she loves about him and to remember all the little things that she does. I thought this was an excellent idea, so here is my own letter, to my own little guy, who is almost 10 months old.
Dear Marshall,
I can't believe how the time has flown. I remember being so frustrated not too long ago that you couldn't put your soother back in your mouth, or crawl, or even way long ago when you wouldn't smile or laugh. Those days are LONG gone. You have so much personality. I love your kisses. you love to put both of your hands on my face and give me big, open mouth kisses. they are full of slobber and love and they make me laugh every time. Sometimes, after giving me a big kiss, you will try to suck on or bite my nose after, and always give me this impish grin when I start to laugh.
Right now you LOVE your puppy Willow. You came home from a night at Grandma Flexhaug's one day and though you were happy to see me, you absolutely lit up when Willow came into the room. The feeling is mutual, and the two of you like to give kisses to each other.
You can army crawl like no one's business. we were at a wedding this past weekend and your cousin Ryan said "if he wants to be in the army, that will be really handy", and it's so true. when you are going towards something you know you shouldn't go to, you always look back at me, smile and try to scoot even closer to your goal. It's adorable.
Today you pulled yourself onto your stand-up table toy and proceeded to plank on it. You tried to dive headfirst over the other side, and would have if I hadn't been there stop you. I couldn't believe that you tried and succeeded in doing that!
You currently have SIX teeth. Three of them have just emerged in the past two weeks, and though they are through the surface, you can tell that they are still bothering you. This keeps all of us up at night, as you are very clearly in pain. It's hard to keep perspective and remember how much pain you must be in when you are crying a lot.
Marshall, I love you so much. I can't really remember what life was like before you were here (though I think I got more sleep and saw more movies), and I can't imagine going back to a life without you. You are my life.
I can't believe you are almost a year old. Time is going so quickly.
Love always,
Mommy
Monday, February 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
an only lonely
I've been starting to get really sad that I can't give Marshall a bio sibling. we are thinking about adopting for sure, but it's hard when people ask me (like my unassuming pedicurist today) if I'm planning on having more.
I'd like to plan on having more. I really would. Not a lot more...just one more. One more to guarantee that Marshall is not an only child. That he is never alone in the caring or loss of his parents/family. that he always has someone on his side even if something were to happen to Dan and I.
but. I can't. I can't and it makes me so sad and tears me up inside.
I'd like to plan on having more. I really would. Not a lot more...just one more. One more to guarantee that Marshall is not an only child. That he is never alone in the caring or loss of his parents/family. that he always has someone on his side even if something were to happen to Dan and I.
but. I can't. I can't and it makes me so sad and tears me up inside.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
frequency
it's my goal to blog every other day. WHY HAVE I NOT BLOGGED SINCE JUNE????
I'm not going to play catch up. ok. maybe I will. in point form. take that!
I'm not going to play catch up. ok. maybe I will. in point form. take that!
- Marshall and I took a 3 day (one direction) road trip to Iowa.
- Marshall traveled like a DREAM
- Marshall had his first smile, roll over, and laugh
- Marshall laughs like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGggsvdWoJs
- He is so interactive and enjoyable. I'm truly loving this stage
- I haven't been in the hospital since June
- I'm waiting on a procedure called an uterine artery embolization, which will effectively block the blood flow to my uterus and (hopefully) kill off the fibroids. It should be happening in the next few months
- As soon as this happens I'm going to restart the C25K
- I decided that for my own sanity, and our financial needs, to start looking for work.
- my mindset was it takes at least three months to find a good job, so I would likely have one in October/November
- I did this partly because I was scared of ending up doing group home shift work again. while meaningful work, this would NOT be fun with a baby.
- I already got a job
- it kicks ass
- It's at the Ronald McDonald House as a Family support/recreation coordinator.
- I start a week from TUESDAY
- that means this is my last week as a SAHM
- I'm going to miss my little gaffer but am pretty excited for some independence.
- I'm starting at four days a week
- this is SO perfect
- My mom and my friend Kristy are going to watch Marshall in Sept/Oct
- In Nov I have to find a replacement for Kristy because she is going to have a gaffer of her own!
- Dan and I are going to start the budget from til Debt do us part
- I'm strangely excited for it
- especially that he is on board
- I've been meal planning for a few weeks now. It's working pretty well, but I want to incorporate more recipes
- A lot of my recipes are clean eating ones, which I like
Monday, June 18, 2012
sleep is better than gold
I feel like I'm finally starting to find my groove as a mom. I'm getting to know Marshall more and learn about what he is needing at any particular time, and, in the last week, he has started to SLEEP. Last week we decided to start sleeping him in his crib because he is such a loud sleeper that even when he was sleeping, I wasn't, because he sounded like a velociraptor in the bassinet beside me. I was a bit apprehensive about this, but my awesome MIL bought us an angelcare monitor, and that definitely helps alleviate a lot of our concerns. Plus, I am able to sleep when he does. Anyway, the first night we put him in the crib he slept for 6 hours. Before that his longest stretch was 4, so we were pretty happy with that, but not sure if it was a coincidence or not. However, every night since it has been either the same or better. The highlight was last night where Marshall slept from 9:30 to 5:30. I woke up at 5 in a panic, and had to go and see if he was breathing. He was. When I got back to bed Dan asked how much he had eaten and was quite surprised when I said he hadn't yet.
Let's hope this lasts.
In other news, it has been four weeks since I've been in the hospital and had any major complications (I've had to go to the doctor a few times for some minor ones that could have turned major but didn't) and I'm finally starting to breath easier. I think I believe that the worst is really over and no more bombs are going to drop. I think this also plays a big role in the fact that I'm starting to get my groove. It's great to not constantly look over my shoulder, worrying what is going to go wrong next.
My mom picked up Marshall this morning and is keeping him for the day. I'm hoping to clean my house, have a nap, and start my couch to 5 k running program. And likely drink a lot of coffee.
Let's hope this lasts.
In other news, it has been four weeks since I've been in the hospital and had any major complications (I've had to go to the doctor a few times for some minor ones that could have turned major but didn't) and I'm finally starting to breath easier. I think I believe that the worst is really over and no more bombs are going to drop. I think this also plays a big role in the fact that I'm starting to get my groove. It's great to not constantly look over my shoulder, worrying what is going to go wrong next.
My mom picked up Marshall this morning and is keeping him for the day. I'm hoping to clean my house, have a nap, and start my couch to 5 k running program. And likely drink a lot of coffee.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
3 weeks old
My little Marshmallow is three weeks old today. I'm not entirely sure how that happened, as the last three weeks have been a bit of a blur. I've been back in the hospital twice; once because my c section wound was weeping fluid, and once because I was in unbearable pain. Found out the second time that the wound is infected and that I have a UTI. When I went for follow up with one of the amazing doctors that I've seen throughout pregnancy, he looked at me and said "well, you must be asking yourself what else can go wrong, and the answer is, pretty much nothing". it was after that I got the infection, so I think it's safe to say that everything that possibly could have gone wrong, did.
However, I have a beautiful baby boy. I went to watch "what to expect when you're expecting" and one of the characters has a horrible pregnancy; she gets every terrible symptom (though doesn't end up on bedrest) and at one point breaks down crying saying that she just wanted the glow. I can totally sympathize with her. Then, at the end, she is holding her little boy and declares that he is her glow and that she finally found it.
Marshall is my glow. He changes more every day and while part of me wishes I could keep him little forever, the other part of me wants to see his personality grow and develop. I want to know the little man he is going to become. And, I'm not going to lie, I want more sleep.
But I will do my best to cherish these next weeks and months. I know that I will never get them back, that he is so precious and that I cannot take him for granted.
However, I have a beautiful baby boy. I went to watch "what to expect when you're expecting" and one of the characters has a horrible pregnancy; she gets every terrible symptom (though doesn't end up on bedrest) and at one point breaks down crying saying that she just wanted the glow. I can totally sympathize with her. Then, at the end, she is holding her little boy and declares that he is her glow and that she finally found it.
Marshall is my glow. He changes more every day and while part of me wishes I could keep him little forever, the other part of me wants to see his personality grow and develop. I want to know the little man he is going to become. And, I'm not going to lie, I want more sleep.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Birth Story Part 2
Once the nurse brought me upstairs the next twelvish hours are fairly fuzzy. I know that they kept checking on me, telling me that I was still losing a lot of blood, and they tried five different medications to try to get my uterus to contract and to get the blood to clot and stop. I was also in a lot of pain, so there were a lot of pain medications added to the mix. I was allowed to hold Marshall at the very beginning, but then they told me that they were taking him to the Nicu because he was born small and they wanted to make sure that he would eat.
After that first hold it was at least 8 hours before they let me hold him again. I kept asking every nurse that I saw, but they kept saying that I was too sick, that they needed to focus on getting me better before they could let me hold him. They tried the different medications throughout the day, and nothing really seemed to be working. I remember the surgeon coming in at one point, saying that he had talked to a doctor in Edmonton and that if they didn't get the bleeding under wraps, that they would have to send me there, though he was hopeful that it wouldn't happen.
I had a friend of a friend for a nurse in the afternoon, and she was wonderful, though it was easy to see the worry in her eyes. I cried off and on and still continued to ask to be able to hold Marshall, and was told that it might be able to happen after supper.
Though details are foggy, I do remember Sarah Lee looking in my eyes (the nurse) and tell me she was worried, that the bleeding wasn't stopping and by this point I had lost over 2 litres of blood. they brought me Marshall and I had him on my chest while the ob on call came to assess and decided that it was, in fact, necessary to send me to edmonton. They thought I needed an arterial embolism, and they were not equipped to do that procedure in Red Deer. I remember holding Marshall and crying, not knowing when I would see him again, and then my mom took him off my chest because the ambulance attendants were there and it was time to go. I insisted that Dan stay with Marshall because he needed at least one of his parents with him, and thankfully my mom came to edmonton with me, which is great because I could not have made that dark journey alone.
When I said goodbye to Dan I was afraid that I was saying goodbye forever. All the fears of leaving him a single dad, of never seeing my son again, these were running rampant through my head.
And we were off.
Once we got to Edmonton it was a bit of a shit show. the unit the ambulance attendants were told to take us to had no idea we were coming, so we were waiting in emerg for over two hours. While there they tried some of the same medications that they had tried in Red Deer, which only frustrated me because I knew they didn't work and I didn't want them to keep trying. One girl wanted to try to put a third IV in me and I broke down at that point, explaining how many IV attempts I had had, and that it wasn't happening for them to get me another one.
Throughout the days I hoped that Marshall could be released from the NICU and come stay with me in Edmonton, but he still wasn't feeding super great, so I began to realize that likely wouldn't happen.
Once I was transferred upstairs they wouldn't let my mom stay with me in the room, saying that there wasn't enough room, and I had a nurse watching me constantly. I didn't sleep much, but know that at one point on Thursday morning my blood pressure dipped to 80/40 and they said I had lost over 3 litres of blood, and at that point I was rushed to the OR to have a DnC and a balloon type device inserted into my uterus to put pressure on the bleed and hopefully stop it. This was the first and safest procedure for me. If it didn't work, then they would have to try the arterial embolism, and if that didn't work they would have to do a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy would be very, very dangerous for me at this point as I had already lost so much blood and had just gone through major abdominal surgery. I was given more blood transfusions and while I was under they put in a third IV, an arterial lead that they could take blood directly out of instead of poking me every time they needed it. Apparently it was a difficult lead to put in (duh) and one of the nurses remarked that she was very happy I was not awake for it, as it took another four tries to get in me. I sure have the bruises to prove it though.
After this it was a waiting game. more IV fluids, not allowed to eat or drink, and just hoping and praying that the bleeding would stop. my dad and Dan came up to visit me in Edmonton, and I was told tales of how Marshall was doing.
Friday morning they took out the balloon that they had inserted and even more waiting ensued. they finally let me drink water after this (after not being able to for days) and by friday evening I was allowed to eat small amounts of food. By then the nurses and doctors were fairly certain that the procedure had been a success and the bleeding was minimal (which is normal after giving birth). I was told that so long as nothing changed throughout the night, I could go home in the morning.
Saturday morning I was discharged and was able to come home to my Dan and my Marshall. I was nervous and excited but so ready to be out of the hospital.
More on the reunion for the next post...
After that first hold it was at least 8 hours before they let me hold him again. I kept asking every nurse that I saw, but they kept saying that I was too sick, that they needed to focus on getting me better before they could let me hold him. They tried the different medications throughout the day, and nothing really seemed to be working. I remember the surgeon coming in at one point, saying that he had talked to a doctor in Edmonton and that if they didn't get the bleeding under wraps, that they would have to send me there, though he was hopeful that it wouldn't happen.
I had a friend of a friend for a nurse in the afternoon, and she was wonderful, though it was easy to see the worry in her eyes. I cried off and on and still continued to ask to be able to hold Marshall, and was told that it might be able to happen after supper.
Though details are foggy, I do remember Sarah Lee looking in my eyes (the nurse) and tell me she was worried, that the bleeding wasn't stopping and by this point I had lost over 2 litres of blood. they brought me Marshall and I had him on my chest while the ob on call came to assess and decided that it was, in fact, necessary to send me to edmonton. They thought I needed an arterial embolism, and they were not equipped to do that procedure in Red Deer. I remember holding Marshall and crying, not knowing when I would see him again, and then my mom took him off my chest because the ambulance attendants were there and it was time to go. I insisted that Dan stay with Marshall because he needed at least one of his parents with him, and thankfully my mom came to edmonton with me, which is great because I could not have made that dark journey alone.
When I said goodbye to Dan I was afraid that I was saying goodbye forever. All the fears of leaving him a single dad, of never seeing my son again, these were running rampant through my head.
And we were off.
Once we got to Edmonton it was a bit of a shit show. the unit the ambulance attendants were told to take us to had no idea we were coming, so we were waiting in emerg for over two hours. While there they tried some of the same medications that they had tried in Red Deer, which only frustrated me because I knew they didn't work and I didn't want them to keep trying. One girl wanted to try to put a third IV in me and I broke down at that point, explaining how many IV attempts I had had, and that it wasn't happening for them to get me another one.
Throughout the days I hoped that Marshall could be released from the NICU and come stay with me in Edmonton, but he still wasn't feeding super great, so I began to realize that likely wouldn't happen.
Once I was transferred upstairs they wouldn't let my mom stay with me in the room, saying that there wasn't enough room, and I had a nurse watching me constantly. I didn't sleep much, but know that at one point on Thursday morning my blood pressure dipped to 80/40 and they said I had lost over 3 litres of blood, and at that point I was rushed to the OR to have a DnC and a balloon type device inserted into my uterus to put pressure on the bleed and hopefully stop it. This was the first and safest procedure for me. If it didn't work, then they would have to try the arterial embolism, and if that didn't work they would have to do a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy would be very, very dangerous for me at this point as I had already lost so much blood and had just gone through major abdominal surgery. I was given more blood transfusions and while I was under they put in a third IV, an arterial lead that they could take blood directly out of instead of poking me every time they needed it. Apparently it was a difficult lead to put in (duh) and one of the nurses remarked that she was very happy I was not awake for it, as it took another four tries to get in me. I sure have the bruises to prove it though.
After this it was a waiting game. more IV fluids, not allowed to eat or drink, and just hoping and praying that the bleeding would stop. my dad and Dan came up to visit me in Edmonton, and I was told tales of how Marshall was doing.
Friday morning they took out the balloon that they had inserted and even more waiting ensued. they finally let me drink water after this (after not being able to for days) and by friday evening I was allowed to eat small amounts of food. By then the nurses and doctors were fairly certain that the procedure had been a success and the bleeding was minimal (which is normal after giving birth). I was told that so long as nothing changed throughout the night, I could go home in the morning.
Saturday morning I was discharged and was able to come home to my Dan and my Marshall. I was nervous and excited but so ready to be out of the hospital.
More on the reunion for the next post...
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Birth Story Part One
I'd been having contractions off and on since they had induced me with the cervadil the week before, but never that strong or that frequent. I wasn't sure if they were doing anything or not, but knew there was no point in getting checked out until they had some frequency to them.
On Tuesday (May 1st) I felt a bit productive. I got Willow into the groomers to get her haircut, picked up a few groceries from Sobeys because it was 15% off day, picked Willow up and ran a few more errands before collapsing at home. I was exhausted but that was nothing new. Around 6:00pm I started to notice that my contractions were coming more frequently, though they still weren't very strong. I told Dan about them but we ate dinner because I felt like they would be stronger if I was really in labor. I took a warm bath and the contractions continued to get closer together, so I told Dan to take Willow for a walk and then we would go to L and D to get them checked out, mostly because they had been about 3 minutes apart for over an hour and I felt like even though it was likely false labor, it warranted a check. Dan took willow for a walk and then we packed up the car (just in case) and headed into the hospital around 8:30pm.
I was hooked up to the monitors for about 20 minutes with a happy baby and the nurse said she had to check to see how dialated I was. I don't remember the nurses name, but she was very relaxed and kept things pretty funny, lightening the mood. As she was checking my cervix, she got this weird expression on her face. I asked how dialated I was and she said she couldn't tell, and that she felt something and she couldn't be sure if it was Peanut's cord, or a hand, or something else. She remarked on how she had been doing this for years, and had never encountered this before. Luckily she kept it so light that we weren't worried, we were just curious and laughing along with her. She apologized and said that she would have to go and get the charge nurse to help her out. The charge nurse came in, and when she went to check my cervix she said this little surprised "oh" sound. Never something you want to hear when someone's hand is all up in your business. When I asked how dialated I was, all they would say was that I was a good...(pause) and then look at each other. they called the clinic that has been handling my case (because, of course, nothing was in writing regarding my transfer to doctor cassis, and my doctor said that I was no longer their case. Since it was not written that I was a patient of Dr. Cassis, they consulted with the on call OB. in the meantime they brought in a doctor who was on call for those who don't have a GP, and she came in with a low tech ultrasound machine to try to see what was between Peanut's head and the opening. The ultrasound made it look like he might be coming out face first, so the nurses were likely picking his nose. they said we could blame them if he ended up with a nose picking condition later in life.
the on call OB came and asked about my contractions and conferred with the nurses for a bit. He then checked me and said that he felt the head, though it was REALLY high up, and that I was a good 6 cms dialated. MUSIC TO MY EARS. The nurses started prepping me for a c section since his head was so high and told me I wasn't leaving the hospital without my boy (I wish). A catheter was inserted and they attempted three times to get an IV in at that time without success and then my water was broken. Dr. Young was hoping that with the contractions I was having if I just laid there he might come down further and a vaginal birth would be possible. I was wheeled into a birthing room where nurses tried another FOUR times to get an IV in my hand. Since I was GBS positive it was critical that I get one in, regardless of the C section possibility. It was super painful and they had me in tears, poking around in my veins. They finally decided to wait and let an anesthesiologist (sp?) insert the IV. a little over an hour later Dr. Young came to check on me and Peanut had moved further back up into the birth canal and I had gone from being dialated at 6 to dialated at 3, which is a big step back, so we decided to go ahead with the c section. we always knew it was a possibility, and I would rather have had one at that point than try to labour for hours and hours and then end up with one anyways. About an hour later they wheeled me down to the OR and started to get me set up while Dan changed into his scrubs. It took the anasthesiologist another two tries and finally, on the 11th attempt, they got an IV in my hand. Then he tried to insert the spinal, and poked it in SEVEN times before he reached for the ultrasound machine to see where my spine is and got it in on the 8th try. I was screaming and crying in pain so much that Dan, who was in a waiting room down the hall, could hear me and got a little freaked out. they started me on oxygen, laid me down and brought Dan into the room.
A C section is the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced, with the tugging and the pulling, and then at 2:06am on May 2nd my little Peanut was born. he was 5lbs 11 oz and since he was small he was taken to the NICU with Dan while they stitched me up. He sure came out screaming though, and they brought him over to me to be kissed. I started crying, it was the best sound in the world.
When I was in recovery the nurse was somewhat concerned because I was bleeding more than normal, and they said I had already lost around 1.5 litres of blood during the operation, but she kept me there for the standard half an hour and then I was wheeled back upstairs.
On Tuesday (May 1st) I felt a bit productive. I got Willow into the groomers to get her haircut, picked up a few groceries from Sobeys because it was 15% off day, picked Willow up and ran a few more errands before collapsing at home. I was exhausted but that was nothing new. Around 6:00pm I started to notice that my contractions were coming more frequently, though they still weren't very strong. I told Dan about them but we ate dinner because I felt like they would be stronger if I was really in labor. I took a warm bath and the contractions continued to get closer together, so I told Dan to take Willow for a walk and then we would go to L and D to get them checked out, mostly because they had been about 3 minutes apart for over an hour and I felt like even though it was likely false labor, it warranted a check. Dan took willow for a walk and then we packed up the car (just in case) and headed into the hospital around 8:30pm.
I was hooked up to the monitors for about 20 minutes with a happy baby and the nurse said she had to check to see how dialated I was. I don't remember the nurses name, but she was very relaxed and kept things pretty funny, lightening the mood. As she was checking my cervix, she got this weird expression on her face. I asked how dialated I was and she said she couldn't tell, and that she felt something and she couldn't be sure if it was Peanut's cord, or a hand, or something else. She remarked on how she had been doing this for years, and had never encountered this before. Luckily she kept it so light that we weren't worried, we were just curious and laughing along with her. She apologized and said that she would have to go and get the charge nurse to help her out. The charge nurse came in, and when she went to check my cervix she said this little surprised "oh" sound. Never something you want to hear when someone's hand is all up in your business. When I asked how dialated I was, all they would say was that I was a good...(pause) and then look at each other. they called the clinic that has been handling my case (because, of course, nothing was in writing regarding my transfer to doctor cassis, and my doctor said that I was no longer their case. Since it was not written that I was a patient of Dr. Cassis, they consulted with the on call OB. in the meantime they brought in a doctor who was on call for those who don't have a GP, and she came in with a low tech ultrasound machine to try to see what was between Peanut's head and the opening. The ultrasound made it look like he might be coming out face first, so the nurses were likely picking his nose. they said we could blame them if he ended up with a nose picking condition later in life.
the on call OB came and asked about my contractions and conferred with the nurses for a bit. He then checked me and said that he felt the head, though it was REALLY high up, and that I was a good 6 cms dialated. MUSIC TO MY EARS. The nurses started prepping me for a c section since his head was so high and told me I wasn't leaving the hospital without my boy (I wish). A catheter was inserted and they attempted three times to get an IV in at that time without success and then my water was broken. Dr. Young was hoping that with the contractions I was having if I just laid there he might come down further and a vaginal birth would be possible. I was wheeled into a birthing room where nurses tried another FOUR times to get an IV in my hand. Since I was GBS positive it was critical that I get one in, regardless of the C section possibility. It was super painful and they had me in tears, poking around in my veins. They finally decided to wait and let an anesthesiologist (sp?) insert the IV. a little over an hour later Dr. Young came to check on me and Peanut had moved further back up into the birth canal and I had gone from being dialated at 6 to dialated at 3, which is a big step back, so we decided to go ahead with the c section. we always knew it was a possibility, and I would rather have had one at that point than try to labour for hours and hours and then end up with one anyways. About an hour later they wheeled me down to the OR and started to get me set up while Dan changed into his scrubs. It took the anasthesiologist another two tries and finally, on the 11th attempt, they got an IV in my hand. Then he tried to insert the spinal, and poked it in SEVEN times before he reached for the ultrasound machine to see where my spine is and got it in on the 8th try. I was screaming and crying in pain so much that Dan, who was in a waiting room down the hall, could hear me and got a little freaked out. they started me on oxygen, laid me down and brought Dan into the room.
A C section is the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced, with the tugging and the pulling, and then at 2:06am on May 2nd my little Peanut was born. he was 5lbs 11 oz and since he was small he was taken to the NICU with Dan while they stitched me up. He sure came out screaming though, and they brought him over to me to be kissed. I started crying, it was the best sound in the world.
When I was in recovery the nurse was somewhat concerned because I was bleeding more than normal, and they said I had already lost around 1.5 litres of blood during the operation, but she kept me there for the standard half an hour and then I was wheeled back upstairs.
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