Peanut is a BOY

Well, we had our midway ultrasound last Friday. We chose not to tell our family that we were having it so we could (hopefully) surprise them with Peanut's gender as a Christmas present, and it worked! I'm so happy that our little peanut is a boy, and I found out today that the ultrasound looks good and he is healthy. I'm going back for another ultrasound in a month to check on the size of the fibroids and to get some more measurements that the fibroids prevented the tec from taking. The ultrasound was great though. It was cool to see how big he's gotten, to see his little feet and hands. Aunty Susie got to be there, along with mommy and daddy, and that made the ultrasound even more special.

Christmas is over and done with now, our last Christmas without a Peanut around. He kicked every now and then to let me know he liked the food, and I'm very excited to see what next Christmas will hold. Dan and I are already discussing family traditions and what we are going to bring to Peanut and how we are going to create our own traditions as well. It's a very, very exciting time.

Lots of love for my little Peanut these days. I'm so thankful for him, for my friends, for my family, and I have lots of hope for what 2012 will bring.

heartbeat

I love getting to hear your little racing heartbeat. Today it was 152 beats per minute.

It's a good thing I got to hear it today, because you have been very still, no nudges or kicks at all! Doctor says it will be another 2-4 weeks until I will feel them constantly. I can't wait, even though people say it will start to hurt.

Love you little Peanut

Peanut is moving a lot more these days. Little nudges here or there. Still not many definitive kicks, but always letting me know that he/she is there and living and well. It's one of the coolest feelings in the world.

We are slowly getting our nursery together and ready. So far we have a glider/ottoman and a change table that we bought used. Paired with the carseat and stroller that Cindy and Todd are giving us, the crib that mom and dad are buying us, I think we are nearly set and ready for peanut to come. Just a couple of sleepers, a bassinet and maybe a blanket or two and we will be ready!

This week Peanut is the size of a large mango and weighs half a pound already! growing so much.

Next week is Christmas. I bought Peanut a little present, and after wrapping it got to label it "to peanut, love mommy (for daddy to open). This of course set tears into my eyes.
Oh my little peanut. how I love you

worries

A friend of mine had a stillbirth baby today. Finding it out sent me into a bit of a panic mode, because at almost 18 weeks I can't imagine not having my peanut, not feeling his nudges, not dreaming of her future. I can't imagine the pain and agony of making it to labour to give birth to a baby that has no heartbeat, that will not look at me, or cuddle.

I rub my belly and say a prayer for my sweet Peanut. Please stay in there, stay strong, and come out healthy and whole and well. I love you so much Peanut. You have already made my life better, made it more worth living.

I will do better. I will not be so upset about the modified bed rest. I will cherish the chance I have to grow you and love you and cherish you, and I will rest with you in my belly until I get to rest with you in my arms.

movements

I'm fairly certain I feel Peanut on a daily basis. it's not consistent and not usually for long, but there is a little nudging, where I know he/she is, and it's a pretty cool feeling. I can't wait until it's a constant thing, the actual kicking, and Dan can feel it too. I think that will be a pretty cool moment.

I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon, to find out if I'm staying on bedrest or coming off, and to find out if we are able to go to Florida for Christmas or not. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for. Part of me is pretty scared to come off of bedrest, scared that I'm not ready or something else is going to happen that will land us in the ER, on the other hand, I'd love to be able to take our planned trip to Florida, to see my parents and sister and cousins and aunts and uncles, but I also don't want anything bad to happen while I'm there. It does ease my mind that my sister is two practicums away from being a nurse, and my uncle is a vascular surgeon, so at least I will have some great resources around me, but Dan's afraid that I will end up in a Florida hospital until I give birth, and, to be honest, that scares me pretty good too.

But, I need to trust my doctor. I know that the bruise is smaller. so, I'm not sure if they will keep me on the rest until it's completely gone, or if it is small enough that they won't worry about it any more and will take me off.

I guess I will know tomorrow.

ultrasounds galore!

Yesterday I had the fifth ultrasound of my pregnancy. Even though the full bladder sucks, I count myself lucky to have been able to see little peanut so often.

Jill came with me, which was very cool. She had never seen an ultrasound before, so I hope that made up for the long wait she had in the waiting room.

Once I got in, after about five minutes, the ultrasound tec asked me to go and empty HALF my bladder. I'm not sure if you have ever tried to empty only half of your bladder when it is extremely full, but it's not the easiest accomplishment. However, I was able to do it.

After that, he took a long time, barely talking. I think I like the female technicians better, because they talk you through the process and understand more what you are going through.

Once Jill got to come in we got to see little peanut. He/She was sleeping, but we could see its heart beating, and then the tec pushed the ultrasound probe thing on my belly and shook it a bit, telling the baby to WAKE UP. Little peanut obliged and started swimming/dancing a bit. I was amazed at how much bigger peanut is from the last ultrasound I had. Much more defined features, and its little feet were so adorable.

Heart rate was 154 bpm, which is a nice, strong heartbeat for peanut to have. I haven't gotten the full report from the doctor yet, but the tec did ask a lot of questions about the fibroids. I gather they are still causing some trouble in there.

I carry you in my heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

support system

Peanut, I can't wait for you to meet the great people I have in my life. I would honestly be lost without them. First, is your daddy. he is kind, and caring, and compassionate. He goes out to get me whatever I'm craving, thanks to you, and wants the best kind of life for you. you will love him so much. You also have loving grandparents who can't wait to meet you, on both sides. They have been talking to me, making sure we are ok, and loving us from where they are.
you have many aunts and uncles, both biologically and non. your aunt susie texts every day, to see how we are doing. She lives kind of far, but I think she will spoil you.
and your aunty Jess came with us to the ultrasound the other day, she got to see you wave at us. yesterday your aunt Jill took us to the doctor, and today she's taking us to another ultrasound. Aunty Nicky and Allyssa both check in daily.
There are so many more I can't even begin to name them. You are so loved little peanut. Stay safe and warm.

oh Peanut

Well little peanut, it seems like your womb mates, my fibroids, are causing more trouble than we were hoping they would. I guess they bruised our placenta, which is what caused the bleeding the other day.
I'm off work for the next two weeks, going for another ultrasound tomorrow (I get to see you again), then back to the doctor to reevaluate on the fifth of december.

It also looks like you will likely make your entrance into the world before May.

I love you little peanut. stay strong.

Bed Rest?

I'm going to the doctor in less than an hour to find out if I will be put on bed rest or not. This morning I'm so exhausted it almost sounds like a good possibility, but I know it will be a long, boring five months if I am put on bed rest until the end.
I will do it though. I will do whatever is necessary to help my little peanut thrive.

The thing that would suck the most, I think, is we have plans to go to Florida to meet up with my extended family for Xmas, and to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (which I am more than excited about), and this would not be possible if I am on bed rest. I know I will have another opportunity, but I rarely get to spend christmas with my family, and I was really looking forward to it.

well, I guess I will update when I get back with the results

Poor Peanut (warning, TMI)

Early Thursday morning I woke up and thought I had peed my pants, but when I got to a light it turned out I had gushed blood. I woke Dan up and we got ready in a hurry to go to the hospital. Poor little Willow did not know what was going on, and was visibly worried about us. she did not take kindly to the fact that we were leaving in such a panicky, hurried rush in the middle of the night without her.

I was in the hospital for over 12 hours where I heard Peanut's heartbeat (a strong 140 bpm), had blood taken, a lovely internal exam (where the dr. said my cervix is open a bit) and an ultrasound. At the end of it all, they said that Peanut looks like he/she is ok, but they don't know what caused the blood loss, or why I was still bleeding.

We were sent home frustrated, not knowing what was going on, with the only instruction to take a few days off and take it easy.

the bleeding had stopped by the time we left the hospital, but by the time we got home, later on it started up again. It stopped on Friday morning, but on Friday evening we went out for dinner and a movie with some friends, and it started up again. I've been resting and not leaving the couch/bed since then, with no further problems.

I'm going back to see my doctor on Tuesday morning, and I think there is a good chance I might get put on bed rest, so Dan and I are making plans about what to do if this is the case. it's not ideal, but I will do what's necessary to keep Peanut safe.

The thing that would suck most for me about bedrest is we are supposed to go to Florida for Xmas, and we won't be able to do that if I'm on bedrest. good thing I got insurance on those tickets!

movement?

This morning I think I felt movement of my little peanut. I was sitting in my office talking to Jess and I felt something weird beside my belly button. it felt like there was a little bouncy ball in there, bouncing around. It happened a couple more times and then stopped. I think it was little peanut, making his presence known. :)

Little Hands

Yesterday I had a bit of a scare with some cramps, so I called my doctor, and he was able to get me in within the hour. It was great that they took my fears seriously and wanted to check and see what was wrong.
They couldn't find Peanut's little hearbeat on the doppler, but said it might be because of his/her position, as well as the position of the fibroids, and sent me for an ultrasound yesterday afternoon.

As I was laying on the ultrasound table, the first thing the woman said to me was "we still have a heartbeat". I almost started crying in that moment.

Jess and Dan were in the waiting room with me, and when the technician went out and got them, I got to see what was on the screen, and we saw a little baby. the other two ultrasounds I've gotten there was really not much to see, other than a little heart beating (which was cool too), but here you could clearly make out a nose, and eyes, and little ears, and a little mouth. Little Peanut's hand started waving at us, and it even emptied its little bladder (how many times can YOU use the word little in a paragraph:)

I'm 13 weeks tomorrow and it feels more real than it ever has. I no longer doubt that I won't be able to love this little peanut. After the ultrasound yesterday, how could I not love him/her?

pregnant!?!

Well...here I am, 7 weeks pregnant again. At first I felt it was doomed to fail, that the fibroids would kill this one like they did the last, and that I was stupid for not taking better protection. However, on Tuesday, mom and I went to an ultrasound appointment, and they saw the little peanut, and it's little heartbeat! I saw the heart beating and teared up. I didn't get to see a heart beat with Zyggy, because Zyggy's heart never beat.

While I'm excited, I'm also scared. And part of me feels guilty, for being excited. I would have been 39 weeks today had Zyggy implanted properly and survived, but he never did. How can I love this little peanut while I still mourn the loss of Zyggy?
what if i lose this one too?