frequency

it's my goal to blog every other day.  WHY HAVE I NOT BLOGGED SINCE JUNE????

I'm not going to play catch up.  ok.  maybe I will.  in point form.  take that!

• Marshall and I took a 3 day (one direction) road trip to Iowa.
• Marshall traveled like a DREAM
• Marshall had his first smile, roll over, and laugh
• Marshall laughs like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGggsvdWoJs
• He is so interactive and enjoyable.  I'm truly loving this stage
• I haven't been in the hospital since June
• I'm waiting on a procedure called an uterine artery embolization, which will effectively block the blood flow to my uterus and (hopefully) kill off the fibroids.  It should be happening in the next few months
• As soon as this happens I'm going to restart the C25K
• I decided that for my own sanity, and our financial needs, to start looking for work.
• my mindset was it takes at least three months to find a good job, so I would likely have one in October/November
• I did this partly because I was scared of ending up doing group home shift work again.  while meaningful work, this would NOT be fun with a baby.
• I already got a job
• it kicks ass
• It's at the Ronald McDonald House as a Family support/recreation coordinator.
• I start a week from TUESDAY
• that means this is my last week as a SAHM
• I'm going to miss my little gaffer but am pretty excited for some independence.
• I'm starting at four days a week
• this is SO perfect
• My mom and my friend Kristy are going to watch Marshall in Sept/Oct
• In Nov I have to find a replacement for Kristy because she is going to have a gaffer of her own!
• Dan and I are going to start the budget from til Debt do us part
• I'm strangely excited for it
• especially that he is on board
• I've been meal planning for a few weeks now.  It's working pretty well, but I want to incorporate more recipes
• A lot of my recipes are clean eating ones, which I like

sleep is better than gold

I feel like I'm finally starting to find my groove as a mom. I'm getting to know Marshall more and learn about what he is needing at any particular time, and, in the last week, he has started to SLEEP.  Last week we decided to start sleeping him in his crib because he is such a loud sleeper that even when he was sleeping, I wasn't, because he sounded like a velociraptor in the bassinet beside me.  I was a bit apprehensive about this, but my awesome MIL bought us an angelcare monitor, and that definitely helps alleviate a lot of our concerns.  Plus, I am able to sleep when he does.  Anyway, the first night we put him in the crib he slept for 6 hours.  Before that his longest stretch was 4, so we were pretty happy with that, but not sure if it was a coincidence or not.  However, every night since it has been either the same or better.  The highlight was last night where Marshall slept from 9:30 to 5:30.  I woke up at 5 in a panic, and had to go and see if he was breathing.  He was.  When I got back to bed Dan asked how much he had eaten and was quite surprised when I said he hadn't yet.

Let's hope this lasts.

In other news, it has been four weeks since I've been in the hospital and had any major complications (I've had to go to the doctor a few times for some minor ones that could have turned major but didn't) and I'm finally starting to breath easier.  I think I believe that the worst is really over and no more bombs are going to drop.  I think this also plays a big role in the fact that I'm starting to get my groove.  It's great to not constantly look over my shoulder, worrying what is going to go wrong next.

My mom picked up Marshall this morning and is keeping him for the day.  I'm hoping to clean my house, have a nap, and start my couch to 5 k running program.  And likely drink a lot of coffee.

3 weeks old

My little Marshmallow is three weeks old today.  I'm not entirely sure how that happened, as the last three weeks have been a bit of a blur.  I've been back in the hospital twice; once because my c section wound was weeping fluid, and once because I was in unbearable pain.  Found out the second time that the wound is infected and that I have a UTI.  When I went for follow up with one of the amazing doctors that I've seen throughout pregnancy, he looked at me and said "well, you must be asking yourself what else can go wrong, and the answer is, pretty much nothing".  it was after that I got the infection, so I think it's safe to say that everything that possibly could have gone wrong, did.

However, I have a beautiful baby boy.  I went to watch "what to expect when you're expecting" and one of the characters has a horrible pregnancy; she gets every terrible symptom (though doesn't end up on bedrest) and at one point breaks down crying saying that she just wanted the glow.  I can totally sympathize with her.  Then, at the end, she is holding her little boy and declares that he is her glow and that she finally found it.

Marshall is my glow.  He changes more every day and while part of me wishes I could keep him little forever, the other part of me wants to see his personality grow and develop.  I want to know the little man he is going to become.  And, I'm not going to lie, I want more sleep.

But I will do my best to cherish these next weeks and months.  I know that I will never get them back, that he is so precious and that I cannot take him for granted.

Birth Story Part 2

Once the nurse brought me upstairs the next twelvish hours are fairly fuzzy.  I know that they kept checking on me, telling me that I was still losing a lot of blood, and they tried five different medications to try to get my uterus to contract and to get the blood to clot and stop.  I was also in a lot of pain, so there were a lot of pain medications added to the mix.  I was allowed to hold Marshall at the very beginning, but then they told me that they were taking him to the Nicu because he was born small and they wanted to make sure that he would eat.

After that first hold it was at least 8 hours before they let me hold him again.  I kept asking every nurse that I saw, but they kept saying that I was too sick, that they needed to focus on getting me better before they could let me hold him.  They tried the different medications throughout the day, and nothing really seemed to be working.  I remember the surgeon coming in at one point, saying that he had talked to a doctor in Edmonton and that if they didn't get the bleeding under wraps, that they would have to send me there, though he was hopeful that it wouldn't happen. 

I had a friend of a friend for a nurse in the afternoon, and she was wonderful, though it was easy to see the worry in her eyes.  I cried off and on and still continued to ask to be able to hold Marshall, and was told that it might be able to happen after supper.

Though details are foggy, I do remember Sarah Lee looking in my eyes (the nurse) and tell me she was worried, that the bleeding wasn't stopping and by this point I had lost over 2 litres of blood. they brought me Marshall and I had him on my chest while the ob on call came to assess and decided that it was, in fact, necessary to send me to edmonton.  They thought I needed an arterial embolism, and they were not equipped to do that procedure in Red Deer.  I remember holding Marshall and crying, not knowing when I would see him again, and then my mom took him off my chest because the ambulance attendants were there and it was time to go.  I insisted that Dan stay with Marshall because he needed at least one of his parents with him, and thankfully my mom came to edmonton with me, which is great because I could not have made that dark journey alone.

When I said goodbye to Dan I was afraid that I was saying goodbye forever.  All the fears of leaving him a single dad, of never seeing my son again, these were running rampant through my head.

And we were off.

Once we got to Edmonton it was a bit of a shit show.  the unit the ambulance attendants were told to take us to had no idea we were coming, so we were waiting in emerg for over two hours.  While there they tried some of the same medications that they had tried in Red Deer, which only frustrated me because I knew they didn't work and I didn't want them to keep trying.  One girl wanted to try to put a third IV in me and I broke down at that point, explaining how many IV attempts I had had, and that it wasn't happening for them to get me another one. 

Throughout the days I hoped that Marshall could be released from the NICU and come stay with me in Edmonton, but he still wasn't feeding super great, so I began to realize that likely wouldn't happen.

Once I was transferred upstairs they wouldn't let my mom stay with me in the room, saying that there wasn't enough room, and I had a nurse watching me constantly.  I didn't sleep much, but know that at one point on Thursday morning my blood pressure dipped to 80/40 and they said I had lost over 3 litres of blood, and at that point I was rushed to the OR to have a DnC and a balloon type device inserted into my uterus to put pressure on the bleed and hopefully stop it.  This was the first and safest procedure for me.  If it didn't work, then they would have to try the arterial embolism, and if that didn't work they would have to do a hysterectomy.  The hysterectomy would be very, very dangerous for me at this point as I had already lost so much blood and had just gone through major abdominal surgery.  I was given more blood transfusions and while I was under they put in a third IV, an arterial lead that they could take blood directly out of instead of poking me every time they needed it.  Apparently it was a difficult lead to put in (duh) and one of the nurses remarked that she was very happy I was not awake for it, as it took another four tries to get in me.  I sure have the bruises to prove it though.

After this it was a waiting game.  more IV fluids, not allowed to eat or drink, and just hoping and praying that the bleeding would stop.  my dad and Dan came up to visit me in Edmonton, and I was told tales of how Marshall was doing. 

Friday morning they took out the balloon that they had inserted and even more waiting ensued.  they finally let me drink water after this (after not being able to for days) and by friday evening I was allowed to eat small amounts of food.  By then the nurses and doctors were fairly certain that the procedure had been a success and the bleeding was minimal (which is normal after giving birth).  I was told that so long as nothing changed throughout the night, I could go home in the morning.

Saturday morning I was discharged and was able to come home to my Dan and my Marshall.  I was nervous and excited but so ready to be out of the hospital.

More on the reunion for the next post...

Birth Story Part One

I'd been having contractions off and on since they had induced me with the cervadil the week before, but never that strong or that frequent.  I wasn't sure if they were doing anything or not, but knew there was no point in getting checked out until they had some frequency to them. 

On Tuesday (May 1st) I felt a bit productive.  I got Willow into the groomers to get her haircut, picked up a few groceries from Sobeys because it was 15% off day, picked Willow up and ran a few more errands before collapsing at home.  I was exhausted but that was nothing new.  Around 6:00pm I started to notice that my contractions were coming more frequently, though they still weren't very strong.  I told Dan about them but we ate dinner because I felt like they would be stronger if I was really in labor.  I took a warm bath and the contractions continued to get closer together, so I told Dan to take Willow for a walk and then we would go to L and D to get them checked out, mostly because they had been about 3 minutes apart for over an hour and I felt like even though it was likely false labor, it warranted a check.  Dan took willow for a walk and then we packed up the car (just in case) and headed into the hospital around 8:30pm.

I was hooked up to the monitors for about 20 minutes with a happy baby and the nurse said she had to check to see how dialated I was.  I don't remember the nurses name, but she was very relaxed and kept things pretty funny, lightening the mood.  As she was checking my cervix, she got this weird expression on her face.  I asked how dialated I was and she said she couldn't tell, and that she felt something and she couldn't be sure if it was Peanut's cord, or a hand, or something else.  She remarked on how she had been doing this for years, and had never encountered this before.  Luckily she kept it so light that we weren't worried, we were just curious and laughing along with her.  She apologized and said that she would have to go and get the charge nurse to help her out.  The charge nurse came in, and when she went to check my cervix she said this little surprised "oh" sound.  Never something you want to hear when someone's hand is all up in your business.  When I asked how dialated I was, all they would say was that I was a good...(pause) and then look at each other.  they called the clinic that has been handling my case (because, of course, nothing was in writing regarding my transfer to doctor cassis, and my doctor said that I was no longer their case.  Since it was not written that I was a patient of Dr. Cassis, they consulted with the on call OB.  in the meantime they brought in a doctor who was on call for those who don't have a GP, and she came in with a low tech ultrasound machine to try to see what was between Peanut's head and the opening.  The ultrasound made it look like he might be coming out face first, so the nurses were likely picking his nose.  they said we could blame them if he ended up with a nose picking condition later in life.

the on call OB came and asked about my contractions and conferred with the nurses for a bit.  He then checked me and said that he felt the head, though it was REALLY high up, and that I was a good 6 cms dialated.  MUSIC TO MY EARS.  The nurses started prepping me for a c section since his head was so high and told me I wasn't leaving the hospital without my boy (I wish).  A catheter was inserted and they attempted three times to get an IV in at that time without success and then my water was broken.  Dr. Young was hoping that with the contractions I was having if I just laid there he might come down further and a vaginal birth would be possible.  I was wheeled into a birthing room where nurses tried another FOUR times to get an IV in my hand.  Since I was GBS positive it was critical that I get one in, regardless of the C section possibility.  It was super painful and they had me in tears, poking around in my veins.  They finally decided to wait and let an anesthesiologist (sp?) insert the IV.  a little over an hour later Dr. Young came to check on me and Peanut had moved further back up into the birth canal and I had gone from being dialated at 6 to dialated at 3, which is a big step back, so we decided to go ahead with the c section.  we always knew it was a possibility, and I would rather have had one at that point than try to labour for hours and hours and then end up with one anyways.  About an hour later they wheeled me down to the OR and started to get me set up while Dan changed into his scrubs.  It took the anasthesiologist another two tries and finally, on the 11th attempt, they got an IV in my hand.  Then he tried to insert the spinal, and poked it in SEVEN times before he reached for the ultrasound machine to see where my spine is and got it in on the 8th try.  I was screaming and crying in pain so much that Dan, who was in a waiting room down the hall, could hear me and got a little freaked out.  they started me on oxygen, laid me down and brought Dan into the room. 

A C section is the weirdest feeling I've ever experienced, with the tugging and the pulling, and then at 2:06am on May 2nd my little Peanut was born.  he was 5lbs 11 oz and since he was small he was taken to the NICU with Dan while they stitched me up.  He sure came out screaming though, and they brought him over to me to be kissed.  I started crying, it was the best sound in the world.

When I was in recovery the nurse was somewhat concerned because I was bleeding more than normal, and they said I had already lost around 1.5 litres of blood during the operation, but she kept me there for the standard half an hour and then I was wheeled back upstairs.

I've been itching to post for the past couple of days, but with only internet access on my phone and no desire to try to type out what was going on on my iphone.

Wednesday morning I went to my doctor's appt as normal.  My BP had been high throughout the week at home (quite consistently) and the morning before the appointment I got the only nosebleed I can remember having, which is another sign of high blood pressure.

The doctor I saw on Wednesday I've come to really like and respect.  She said it was time to come up with a plan since I had high BP for so long.  She consulted with the on-call ob and came back to spoke with me.  I was over the moon giddy to finally have a plan.  at that point I didn't really care WHAT the plan was, I just wanted a plan.  I was supposed to go into the hospital for two NST's a week, have an ultrasound every week, and then was likely going to be induced on May 5th, which was my 38 week point.  There was an end in sight.  I had started to feel like my body was falling apart on me, so it was really nice to know that there was an end in sight.


The doctor told me I could head over to the hospital anytime that day for my NST, and I decided to get it overwith and go to the hospital right after my dr appointment.  During the test I contacted Dan, my parents, sister and some friends to let them know how relieved I was to have a plan and be under constant observation to make sure that everything was great with Peanut.  At the end of the NST they called the dr on call as is customary, and I was expecting to be sent home at that point because I was there for a standard test.  I was quite surprised when the nurse told me that the doctor was on his way in and he was going to decide about inducing me.  However, I then heard another nurse saying that the on-call dr likely didn't realize that an ob had already been consulted that day and they would tell him when he got in.


The doctor came in to see me and told me that the doctor I saw a couple hours prior had called him and told him about the appointment.  Apparently, after I left, she consulted the specialist I saw a couple weeks ago (see other post) because she wasn't happy with the plan.  The specialist said that since I'd had high BP for so long that the best plan of attack was just to induce me, so the doctor was there to do that.


I wish they had checked my blood pressure at that very moment.


I started to panic a bit, though excited, and re-called Dan to let him know the new plan.  Someone maybe should have checked his blood pressure too.  Since my cervix was still 3cms long and closed they couldn't start me on pitocin, so they inserted a drug called cervadil that needed to be kept in for 12 hours and would either kickstart labor or start to get my body ready so that pitocin could be started.  I had to lay on my back for two hours after receiving the drug and after that was allowed to get up and walk around.  They moved me into a semi private room with a window, and a couple hours after that contractions started.  I walked the halls with my mom for a bit until I got so uncomfortable with contractions happening every minute and being quite strong so I felt like I couldn't walk.  They decided to come in and make sure Peanut was doing well and weren't super happy with the results.  Because the contractions were coming so close together and with no break, his heartrate was racing and they were a bit worried.  It was also discovered at this time that since they were short staffed, they wouldn't have a nurse for me if I did go into more active labor, so the doctor decided to take the cervadil out after 6 hours and would try again in the morning.


I continued to have strong contractions and back labor, so was given a shot of morphine, had a hot bath, and then was told I could go home for the night and come back in the morning on a pass if I wanted.  I figured that Dan would get more sleep at home, and I was unlikely to sleep well anywhere, so we might as well go home.


I definitely didn't sleep well or much, and was ready to go to the hospital bright and early.  I woke up with a lot of optimism, knowing more of what I was in for and realizing that the next time I came home it would be with my little Peanut guy.


when I got to the hospital they hooked me up to the fetal monitors and were again worried because Peanut's heart wasn't having an accelerations,  which they need to pass the test.  because I was having contractions on my own still, they also debated waiting out the morning to see if my body picked up labor on it's own before they inserted another cervadil, as at this point I was mildly dialated but my cervix was still high and long.  this doctor on call decided to consult with the OB that was on call because of Peanut's hr.  I heard the word c-section and knew that if it was necessary it was, but was still hoping to avoid one.

the OB on call came in to speak with me.  Apparently the specialist I had seen (and the one who had decided to induce me) had said he couldn't come in for a consult, which is why a THIRD ob was consulted on my case in two days.  He didn't understand why they were inducing me without repeating lab work and didn't really see the need.  He said he wouldn't make a decision until he did more tests but at this point he didn't think that I should be induced or helped along with labor.  if it started on its own it did, but that wasn't something he was willing to push.

Needless to say, I was distraught and heartbroken.  I had been prepared to come in for a second day of induction, but was instead told that the plan was being changed YET AGAIN and they weren't going ahead with that.  I cried pretty much all day off and on yesterday, while still having some good contractions and hoped that labor would start on its own.

One of the new issues is that when I'm in the hospital my blood pressure stabilizes, and the on call ob went by the due date that the specialist decided on when I saw him, which is May 24, which only puts me at 36 weeks, and this ob feels it is more important that Peanut make it to 37 weeks than the risk of my BP rising again.

as of right now I'm still not sure of the plan.  It sounds like I will be a patient in the hospital for the next week, and (hopefully) induced again on thursday.  Right now I'm home on a pass, and I have to be back in the morning for repeat tests and to find out the results of my last test, the 24 hour protein.  a fourth OB has taken over my case completely and will now be the one calling all the shots, which at least means I will have consistency and won't have to wonder each day if the plan will be changed once again.

Needless to say, it's been a very difficult, very discouraging couple of days.  I had to come home without my Peanut.  Willow is a bit distraught about everything and Dan doesn't know what to do about work, as he thought he was leaving for a week or two to be with Peanut and I.

thought I was gonna have a Peanut

A week and a half ago (man, I need to blog more) we went to the hospital because I wasn't feeling well all day, and we went and checked my BP to find it was 157/97, which is very high for me.  When we got to the hospital they ran a bunch of tests and found protein in my urine, which can be indicative of early pre-ecclampsia.  I was put back on modified bedrest and had to go home to do a 24 hour urine test.  The test came back with high amounts of protein, which had my doctors worried.

I went back to the doc on Monday morning and was told that if I had been two weeks further along (was 35 weeks) I would have been sent straight to the hospital for an induction, but since my BP was ok that day, they were going to try to let Peanut bake a little longer.  I was given a BP monitor to test twice a day at home and told if it got high to go to the hospital, and to come back on Friday to see how I was doing.

My doctor on friday noticed my BP was high again, and was worried about the amount of symptoms I was having, so she sent me to the hospital to do more tests.  While there I saw a doctor I had never met (I see seven different doctors on a regular basis, but any doctor who works at the clinic I go to could be on call and could be the one seeing me and delivering Peanut...I didn't realize this before and I feel like it's a flawed system) and he said he was worried about the amount of symptoms I was having and wanted me to come back in the morning, where they would check my BP and either induce me or send me home.

Needless to say, on Friday night I got NO sleep.  I kept thinking about the pain and wondering how long I would be in labor for and worrying about EVERYTHING.  I finally got out of bed around 5am and just watched stupid videos until Dan got up and we went for our 9am appointment.

I was certain I was having a Peanut that day.

Well, turns out the doctor who was on call (a different doctor YET) decided that I was fine and should go home and rest more.  All I do is rest.  The nurse made me feel like I shouldn't have been there (even though the doctor had booked the appointment) and I went home feeling depressed and let down.  I know it's better for Peanut to bake until 37 weeks if possible, but I have a constant headache, pain in my stomach, spots in my vision, swollen fingers and feet, and it is starting to feel overwhelming.

Today, however, has been a good day.  Even though the doc at the hospital yesterday said that I should basically stay in bed, I went out for brunch with my parents, went to the dog park with Dan, Willow and friends, and ate a screamer.  It was a beautiful fall day in the 20's, and I just didn't want to be inside.  Interestingly enough my BP has been good all day (minus when I first woke up this morning) and during the walk and for a couple hours after, my headache went away (it's back in full force now).

On Saturday I am 37 weeks, and for that day I've officially given Peanut his exit notice.  I'm more than ready to hold him in my arms.

days like this

I woke up feeling like today wasn't going to be a good day. Call it the wrong side of the bed, or whatever, but I just woke up feeling off. I got a nosebleed, I feel physically gross, and had to be up for a doctor appointment that I was worried about.

When I got to the doctor's office I started crying in front of the nurse, explaining about the specialist appointment and how it went. she checked my blood pressure and it was 150/90, which is not good. the doctor came in and I explained everything again. One of the most negative thing about seeing my doctor is that the prenatal part is a shared practice, so I see one of six doctors everytime I go for an appt, not just my regular GP, so this morning I had a new doctor that I hadn't met yet, so I didn't even have a repertoire built. They haven't received the official report from the specialist, so he couldn't speak to everything, but said that what the specialist said is what he is going by, and that there is no need nor time for me to see a second. The good thing he said was that they will know fairly quickly if the contractions are doing anything, and if they aren't it won't be so much an emergency c section as it will be an urgent one.

This still doesn't make me happy, nor does it feel like a plan, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

I am still really thankful for this pregnancy, and I know it will be worth it in the end. I'm just having one of those days, where I'm sick of not knowing what is going to happen, whether things will work or not, what to expect, what I should and should not worry about. I just want to hold my Peanut safe in my arms. I'm done with being pregant.

Meeting the Specialist

When we lost Zyggy a year ago, my doctor told me that he had implanted underneath one of the large uterine fibroids that I had, which resulted in him not getting the blood/nourishment he needed to survive. She told me that fibroids were common in women a bit older than myself, but that usually they were quite small, and at the size that mine were, there was the added (but small) concern that they could be cancerous. She referred me to a specialist that could take them out for me, in case we wanted to try again.

That specialist appointment ended up being booked for April 2, 2012. Fast forward a few months and we were pregnant with our precious Peanut, who implanted fine and began to thrive despite the fibroids. The fibroids continued to grow and cause problems in the pregnancy, but still Peanut grew. At one point they caused a bleed that scared us pretty good, and I look like I am carrying twins or triplets, but have been keeping on.

In December my doctor decided that the fibroids were growing too big, and, coupled with my two vessel umbilical cord, meant I should probably see a specialist. They referred me to the same one that I was meant to see in April anyway, regarding getting the fibroids out, and the date was set for April 4th. The appointment on the 2nd was cancelled and today was the big day.

Over the past couple of weeks I've had some new issues with my heart racing, vision problems, blood pressure rising, contractions, etc, and my doctor kept saying "we will wait until you see the specialist" before they would decide anything or take any more precautions. I spent two agonizing days in and out of the hospital with irregular ECG's, blood work and even a lung scan. It's been trying, to say the least, but I knew that today I would get my answers.

well, today I didn't get my answers.

When we got to the specialist appointment he asked me a few questions. Then he said that fibroids aren't a problem, that the 2 vessel cord might be a problem but they won't know until after birth, that I've had too many ultrasounds, that I am not as far along as I thought I was (based on NO NEW EVIDENCE), and that my doctors have been worrying and I have worried for nothing. He was a bit condescending and made me feel stupid for the concerns that my doctor and I have had (for instance, he called the bleed I had "nothing"...if it was nothing, why was I on bedrest for 8 weeks?). He dismissed my racing heart (not even listening, telling me I shouldn't expect my heart to stay the same when climbing stairs though I clearly told him that it will start beating up to 140 bpm while just sitting and doing nothing, or in the middle of the night), said that since my blood pressure was just on the cusp of high today that it was perfectly normal (even though it is quite a bit higher than is my normal), and said that he won't know if the fibroids are going to be a problem until I'm in labor, and then, if necessary, an emergency c-section will be done. He then said that I might have excess bleeding after, but also won't know about that or do anything until day of.

Basically, we got no answers, were made to feel stupid, and left feeling disappointed. I know that some might think this is ok, that a specialist is saying we shouldn't worry, but these stupid fibroids have caused problems in the past and throughout this pregnacy, so how can he say that they aren't a problem? He commented that they are each the size of a pommello and could cause problems, but doesn't want to have any plan in place?

I wanted to avoid an emergency c section, as those are so much worse on your body. I wanted to have a plan. At the end he told me to "keep on trucking".

I'd like to show him how I keep on trucking. all over his FACE.

Ok. that might have been the pregnancy emotions talking.

anxious to meet you

I had a dream last night that I had Peanut, and he was the most perfect baby there was. I woke up down, and a bit distraught, because I don't yet have him to hold in my arms, and I desperately want to. I know it's not much longer, but I'm getting anxious to meet him, to hold him, to snuggle him and to love him. I can't wait.

third trimester!

I can't believe that I reached the third trimester last Thursday and didn't blog about it. I've even had LOADS of time!

I'm feeling great. Peanut is squiggling away in my baby lump right now (which has grown exponentially it feels) and his nursery is really coming together. Today Grandma and Grandpa painted the feature wall with squares of colour where the crib will go, and it is really starting to come together. Tomorrow we will steam clean the carpets and hopefully have everything all set up and ready to go! I will try to figure out how to post a picture when that happens.

It's hard to believe that in a maximum of 11 weeks Peanut will be here. It is standard procedure that if you have a two vessel cord to induce one week before your due date if your baby isn't here, so even though I'm now 28 weeks, it's a maximum of 11 weeks more, and I have a feeling it will be more like nine!

the worry of a C-Section

I've known from the beginning that a C-Section is more than likely in my scenario due to the fibroids. There is actually still a possibility that the doctor might have to do a caesarian hysterectomy, if the fibroids are that big of a problem, and, on a whole, I am mostly ok with this. I mean, of course I want the vaginal birth and the immediacy of holding little Peanut after, but after the miscarriage, a high risk pregnancy, some time on bed rest, I am just so thankful that I will get to hold my little Peanut at all. He is such a miracle, a little gift.

So knowing that C-Section is likely is one thing. The other night I had a flashback and remembered when I was 16 and getting ready to have my wisdom teeth out (the only other surgery I have had). I had to be shipped on a bus six hours away to where my sister lived in order to have a doctor put me under so that I wouldn't be awake to have my teeth extracted. It wasn't enough knowing I would be numb, or that I would only feel pain, I got some incredible anxiety over the fact that I would not be able to be awake while those tiny little teeth were pulled out of me.

Flash forward to now: HOW MUCH WORSE WILL A C-SECTION BE? SERIOUSLY. Sorry for the yelling, but there is some yelling going on in my head, and a little bit of panicking as I wonder if I will be able to do that.

There is the option of being put under general anesthesia for the C-Section, but then I won't hear Peanut's first cry, or get to see him right away. I know that general anesthesia has a nasty effect on me, so I will wake up groggy and drugged later to a little boy. Not the worst thing in the world, but is that something I will choose for myself? Or will I be able to suck it up?

Anyone have any advice?

on grandparents...

Let me premise this by saying that I absolutely LOVE my grandparents. My grandma was the sweetest, most gentle woman I knew. If little Peanut was a girl, the middle name would have been Pauline after my grandma. I also have fond memories of father, my PaPere, who died when I was a child. I loved going to visit him. Though my grandfather and I didn't always see eye to eye growing up, I've really come to respect the man that he is, and have enjoyed getting to know him more in the past few years.

It brings me no end of happiness that Peanut will have grandparents close by at all times. Not only for the spoiling factor, but what kid doesn't need an extra few people to love him like no other? Dan's mom lives only 45 minutes away, and with this being her first grandkid, I'm hoping we are going to see a lot of her. My parents are going to be working in the Red Deer area for the next few years and will even be around at Christmas, and I've recently learned that my grandpa is moving to a retirement home here in Red Deer too, so he will be good and close for Peanut as well.

Though part of me is sad that Peanut will never see the farm that my dad grew up on, the kitchen where I played cards with my grandma and the freezer that I snuck treats out of, it's more important for him to have his great grandfather close by to dote on him.

25 weeks and freaking out

I have exactly two weeks and one day left on my contract. When I first realized I was pregnant, I started freaking out about the length of my contract, but on the government of Alberta website it says that you can start your maternity leave 12 weeks before your due date. Therefore, I wasn't so worried any more, because my contact ends 13 weeks before my due date, and you have to have a two week waiting period anyways.

As I was laying awake most of last night thinking about maternity leave and benefits and wondering how in the WORLD we are going to afford everything, I posted on a forum I am on for other people having babies in May. One woman told me that you are eligible 8 weeks before your due date, not 12. When I looked at the government of CANADA website, it indeed says that.

so now I'm confused and worried and freaking out. I have 2 weeks and one day left of work. I have seven weeks until I can apply for EI benefits. I have NO idea how I'm going to make any money in those five weeks to help with rent, bills, food, baby supplies, etc.

Perfect Little Heart

Third time really is a charm! Even though the tec kept calling Peanut a little stinker, he must have showed off his heart well enough that the radiologist said it looks perfect! I also found out today that he is right where he should be for growth, and chances are really good that I will carry to term. The doctor doesn't even want to see me for another MONTH. :) How great is that.

He's still quite breach (with his feet constantly on my bladder) but has time to turn, so hopefully he will. I'm going for another ultrasound on Feb 13 to monitor his growth, since it is hard to tell by the size of my baby lump due to the three massive fibroids resting in my uterus.

Something else that is great is that Grandma and Grandpa are back in Canada (my parents) and they brought Peanut's crib with them! Tonight my mom and I are going to go and look at paint colours and hopefully painting will begin soon on the nursery.

PS. I've reached the waddling stage of pregnancy. feel free to point and laugh.

Little Stinker

Yesterday I had the most enjoyable ultrasound to date. I had a student doing the exam with an experienced, grandmotherly, witty woman overseeing him. Because it was a student doing the exam, I didn't have to lay there and look at the ceiling for the bulk of the appointment, and was able to look at the screen while they were doing the exam. The woman referred to Peanut multiple times as a "little stinker" because every time she would almost be able to get a good picture of his heart, he would move in a way so that she couldn't see it at all. And every ultrasound we have had since he was 13 weeks he has been facing my back, which also makes it more difficult to see his heart. At one point the tec told me I should put him in gymnastics right after birth because of all of the moving that he was doing.

I'm fully expecting a call from my doctor's office today saying that they have booked me in for another ultrasound in two weeks time in another attempt to see his heart. My theory is he is waiting for grandma (my mom) to come home so that she can go to the ultrasound and see him as well.

Oh Peanut. we already have a little stinker on our hands, and I love you so much more for it.

don't want to complain

I know that things are really very good. I feel Peanut kick daily, I have a boyfriend that loves me tremendously, and in about 3.5 months I'm going to have a little boy to cherish, love, hold and share.

I just get frustrated sometimes. Frustrated with things going wrong. Today I found out that my fibroids (which I was told a few weeks ago wouldn't be a problem) are likely growing again, as my uterus is measuring like I'm 33 weeks pregnant even though I'm only almost 23 weeks pregnant. Two weeks ago when they measured I was measuring like I was 25 weeks pregnant at almost 21 weeks, but that wasn't as big of a gap and they weren't as worried.

Now, the doc is worried again. And the high risk specialist that they thought they wouldn't have to send me with, I've been referred to.

I'm so thankful that I have this opportunity. that I live in a country where there are accessible, high risk specialists that will help make sure Peanut makes it safely into this world, but with this knowledge we are back to the fact that he might be very premature, among other things.

it's just difficult not to worry.

Something that made me smile today though? Peanut does NOT like the doppler. When the doctor put it on my right side, I felt peanut scoot as far to the left as he possibly could. When she put it up high, he wiggled down low. Such personality already. :)

I love you Peanut. Keep growing. Stay strong. I can't wait to meet you.

Strong, Kicking Peanut

I've been starting to feel Peanut kick every now and then from the outside. The first time was on Christmas day, but for the most part it has been sporadic and not strong enough to feel.
Today when Dan was out getting some water and milk, I felt Peanut kick from the outside a few times, and was sad that it happened when he wasn't home. a little while later, when we were sitting and talking about some future possibilities, Peanut started to move again. I think this time it was Hiccups, because it was right by where his head is, and they were frequent and close together. Dan quickly came over and was able to feel one of the hiccups on his thumb.

My eyes started to well up and I was really excited that, at last, Dan had felt the miracle of a baby that is growing inside of me. I know he will feel it lots in the coming weeks. I'm currently 22 weeks and 3 days!

Most Ultrasounded Baby ever

This Morning we went for the follow-up ultrasound to check on Peanut's umbilical cord, heart and kidneys. I really love the ultrasounds, and have gotten in the habit of asking friends to go with me, because they are pretty cool to see, and it seems my friends already love Peanut a lot, so why not get to see him? this morning Nicky got up extra early for work and came to see Peanut with us.

As I was laying during the first part of the ultrasound, where the tec did his business and all I get to do is lay there, I realized a few things. I realized I'm still afraid, at each appointment, that the tec is going to give bad news like that very first ultrasound I had with Zyggy. I don't think I will feel completely safe until I am holding Peanut in my arms. I also realized that even though the numerous ultrasounds can seem like a pain in the butt at the time, I'm really grateful for every chance to see Peanut that I can get. It's really starting to dawn on me that there is a Peanut in there, and that soon he will be out with us, and I will be a full blown mother, responsible for the care of another at all times. It's quite daunting.

Once we got to see Peanut, I became quite confused about his positioning. I've mostly been feeling him on my lower right side, close to my belly button, but today his head was on the right, above my belly button, with his spine curving around my left side and his feet down at the very bottom center (basically resting on my bladder). This is why I feel him so often on my bladder I guess! It was cool to know his exact positioning. This afternoon when I was sitting I felt his arms (which I know now are arms) on my left side, and I could feel it from the outside! Of course daddy was at work and could not feel too. hopefully soon.

Peanut is VERY breech right now. I know he has lots of time to turn, but I hope he does before he gets too big!

possible complications

I realized I haven't written about the other outcome of our last ultrasound yet. Maybe because I spent the first day freaked out about it, some time in denial, and am now feeling like everything might just have to be ok.

When I went back to the doctor he said that it looks like Peanut has a two vessel umbilical cord, which could cause heart or kidney problems. and he has me back for another ultrasound on Friday to get a better look at his heart and kidneys to prepare us for the future. Silly me went home and googled two vessel cord, and after about five minutes of reading some scary stuff decided to stop. It was, however, enough to get me worked up for a little while.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy. I'm definitely not one of those people who loves being pregnant and wants to do it all the time. I know that the end result will be worth it, but I would like to catch a break.

The good news from that ultrasound was, though, that the bleed in my placenta was healed and the fibroids haven't grown and might not even cause me to have a c-section, which would be great. It would also be great if I got to carry little Peanut as close to term as possible. Though a stay in the NICU wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, I would still love to avoid it if I could.

Hopefully Friday proves that there is nothing wrong with little Peanut and I can stop worrying.